Today the Rockford Register Star, a little town newsletter in the peasant region of Illinois bout fitty miles from Derby | Reynolds, axed me on the facebook dot commie, “Share your successes and struggles with weight loss here. Way to go, Angela!” Now, I don’t knows who this Angela is because wes have many ladies ’round here. Hail, damns me if I must say we have too many ladies working around here, and everywhere in American offices, running around with they cookoo mouths not working all day! What is up with that? Why do it still take 1 man with 2 hands in the I.T. Department to do 7 ladies who have 14 hands’ jobs? Equal opportunities my little ass!
It ain’t that hard to restart a printer girls! Come on!
Anyway. I would loves to share my diet and exercise successes.
I know all yawls be coming up with some new diets and exercises for the new year agains. Every body around the office always be axeing me, “Sean, what you do? You look so good!” I thoughts you would never axe me about my succesful health plan so this is a pleasure to share with you fine ass peoples out there in poor cities eating super rich foods in yo cars and in yo houses with yo fattie childrens. Read on below the fine ass Lonestar potaytoe now to finds out what I do to look so good every day!
I have been eating pizza, ice cream sandwiches, bacon, eggs, coffee, a few bottles of delicious imported dark beer between 10pm and 4am and Little Debbie Swiss Rolls for about 34 years- the beer about 22 years (got some catching up to do). Sometimes I mix in summer sausage with sharp cheddar cheese for snacks with the occassional hard salami and provolone toasted sandwich as well. Steaks are not fiscally responsible these days but I do enjoy at least 4 steaks a month with my boy Jeff Tethernick from Accounting department. Thom Derby, bad ass mofo who be runnin this joint, likes to take me monster buck hunting and we fenda eat what we kill out there in the wild! I also loves to enjoys Old Chicago Talian Nacos 3 times a week with pitchers of Bud Light beers. Me also eats lotsa Lone Star Steak House Baked Potaytoes and Buffalo Wild Wings at least 2 times as well to keep my abs in top shape for the lady frands. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh and how can I live without the Olive Garden Italian Restaurant about 4 times a week for lunch too?! Me loves that 8 cheese Ziti.
I haves a big problem though yawl. I can’t seem to reach the goal I’ve had for close to 3.5 decades; which is to gain great amounts of weight for the screenplay I wrote in the 90s about a man that is so good looking he decides to throw it all away by eating the worst foods everyday until 2 things give in, his good looks or his heart. Neither is working! I continue to be especially good looking, though my heart is very cold, it’s pumping blood better than ever. It’s very hard for me to keep my mouth shut when I hear 9/10 people a week around the office, mainly women (men don’t have many office jobs these days unless you be like me, Sean Lippy, super good looking educated American man who also happens to be an extremely smart I.T. ADMIN), complain about their weight all the time! Why women always be talkin about they weight? That ain’t sexy, be chunky, be delicious, be proud, yawl too fine anyway to us hungry good lookin men! Don’t yawl know we loves a little fat on dem bones? Speaking of meat and bones, I fenda hit the Famous Daves tomorrow for lunch if anyone is game. I might change my mind for the baby back ribs at Chilis with the smoked guacamole dip. DAMN. Mmm mm mmm.
I am so sorry to tell you all about my successful diet and exercise pla- oh wait, did I nots tale yous about my daily exercises I dos? Here’s the secret, I get up, I take a shower, I go to work! I know many of you don’t know how to do that in poor regions like Rockford, IL. I am so sorry for your poor luck. Where you’re at and who you know is the secret to your problems, move it, move yo fine ass to a place it can be appreciated.
To sum up today’s lessons I’d hate to admit to a roomful of ugly, overweight people that I’ve had great successes treating myself exactly how I want to, but the Doctor says I am very lucky for having such amazing health to match a rich man’s diet… and I am rich. Rich of heart and character! I must have good genes. I hope yawl have a fun time at the gym today– I’m gonna go to Pizza Hut’s buffet today if anybody need to join me.