Account Executives (AEs) and Marketing Directors at Derby Reynolds — THE WAL-MART OF ADVERTISING™ must adhere to a strict daily schedule.
Below is a daily list of events provided by our extremely attractive Jr. Sales Rep of Accounts and Executively Positive Behaviors, Alyssa Sojahnowski, to help anyone who is interested in becoming a successful AE or Marketing Director in the advertising and marketing industry.
- 9am: Breakfast meeting with a client, Rick, from a local craft brewery whose distribution expanded out of Illinois and into Wisconsin and Minnesota. Rick is handsome, well-dressed, has a wife and two kids. Who cares! He rubs my knee often under the table while we laugh. Rick is a nice, sexually attractive client. We do breakfast at least twice a week. We enjoy eggs, bacon, two bloody marys with a beer chaser, a cup of coffee and oral quickies in the men’s bathroom stall. He kisses me goodbye.
- 10:15: Not ready to forget about breakfast with Rick, I call my boyfriend Sean to see how his morning is going. Sean is an IT Administrator at Derby Reynolds. Inner-office relationships are encouraged to promote healthier profits and marketing results. Sean wants to meet me in the Ethernets Cable Closet at noon to f*ck. We like doing the nooners at work to relieve our work stress. We talk about the future of Jason and Chad’s company product line. I promise Sean that I’ll follow up with our boss, Lord Thomas Derby, to get back to them with costs today.
- 10:35am: Sean transfers me to the main office manager’s line. “Anyone call for me?” I ask to be transferred to the schlubs in the Creative department doing the overnight work I need for my lunch presentation:”How’s it going? Need it by noon. I’ll be in soon. We can talk.”
- 10:50: Say hello to everyone in the office. Check emails. Visit Anthropologie.com to order a dress for next week. The dress is for work, use the company card. Visit Amazon.com to order a self-help book to be delivered to your home address. Pay for it all with your company card— it’s work research materials.
- 11:20: Visit the production staff. Check up on the revisions to the revisions that are needed for a Lunch meeting.
- Noon: Sean and I meet in the Ethernets Cables Closet to relieve some work stress. He’s no Rick, but his horse cock is worth a trip or three around the rosie.
- 12:25: Freshen up and rush to my Lunch bender meeting with a client. Drinks on the company. Sushi appetizer, nachos, egg rolls, salad. Steak fajitas. Margaritas and beer chasers. Shots of Tequila to close another successful project meeting with Linda and Larry, a new client that committed $200k to have a facebook page and twitter account made for their company.
- 2:30: Lunch over, drunk-dial office from a car, ask to be transferred to the schlubs doing the revised work:”How’s it going? Got new revisions to the revisions. I’ll be in soon. We can talk.”
- 2:45: Mid-afternoon office nap time includes returning calls, emailing clients and co-workers, misspell and misunderstand details to ongoing projects, ask questions that have been asked a million times before like:”Why can’t you make this photo bigger? I don’t care about the DPI, make it bigger!”
- 3:20: Check in on the production staff. Giggle at the production staff, they’re so cute and you’re drunk. They are upset, as usual, and you tell them, “Don’t be upset with me! This is what the client wants!”
- 3:30: Present information that has been poorly keyed into a Word doc, that is then attached to an email while sexting potential clients and chit-chatting fellow AEs about lunch: “It was so good.””It was so good.”
- 3:35: Forgetting that you just visited the production staff to demand drunken revisions and larger photos, you visit them again to request rush revisions to the revisions for the next morning’s Breakfast meeting with a client:”Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I thought I told you this already,” the Senior Art Director replies, “You did, 15 minutes ago.””Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I thought I told you this already.”The Senior Art Director replies, “You did, 15 minutes ago.”Giggling and admitting that you screwed up the original revision request with that of another client’s account you exclaim loudly:
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I thought I told you this already,” again.
The Senior Art Director replies again, “You did, 15 minutes ago. You’re drunk, but at least you’re sexy. Text me the other changes.”
- 3: 50: Leave work early for the Early-Bird Dinner and Drinks specials at a popular upscale tavern with another client, Ned and Chad. Their pharma company has committed $1.5 million to the Derby | Reynolds annual revenue stream. Ned and Chad discuss animated gifs and sticker designs. Everyone orders steaks and drinks on the company card.
- 5: 30: Plowed and horny by Ned and Chad’s sexually toned conversation by the end of dinner, but the night is young. There’s still work to be done!
- 5:50: Get home to freshen up. Pets and significant others can wait, there’s a hot ticket event to get to with the tickets that Linda from the Noon meeting gave to me!
- 6:25: Sext current clients on the most lucrative open accounts while driving to an event to meet Linda and her friend, Lisa.
- 6:55: Call into work, check on the schlubs pulling in overtime at the office, those who actually do all of the work.”How’s it going? What? I don’t know what that means, the server is down? Well, I need it by 8am!!! make the server go up. Email me. I gotta go, I’m with Linda from Coca-Cola. I’ll call ya after the game for a progress update.”
- 7pm: Enjoy a free event, drink more with Linda and Lisa. Making new guy friends in the row behind us. Keith, Larry, and Chad seem nice. Chad is sexy. I can tell that Linda likes him. She’s hiding her ring. Lisa is all about Larry. Keith is ok, but I already have Sean and Rick on the sides. Hornier and still drunker than a skunk.
- 9:45: Hornier and still drunker than a skunk. Event ends, working never does.
- 10: Too drunk to drive, but horny and not ready to go home yet. Turn on some modern country or pop radio station. Sing along in the parking deck with Lisa, Linda’s friend. Linda hooked up with Chad for a few hours. I hope her husband got the kids to bed on time. She doesn’t seem too worried about it anymore. Chad said he’d get her home safe later. Linda was really horny! I like her, good client.
- 10:25: Lisa is passed out in my passenger seat. I feel ok to drive and make some work calls. Call into the schlubs at work working on the early AM deadline:”How’s it going? Hey, I know this is weird, but do you ever think about fucking me?”The Senior Art Director says, “Sure. It’s the only reason why I tolerate your inept work behaviors. If you were an ugly AE, I couldn’t work with you. I’d rather be at home playing Madden Football video games with my friends, Tom and Kevin.”Happy, I respond: “Really?? I’d love to breakup with Sean and enjoy you for some nooners. Are you ok with that?”
“Yes, but you’ll never break up with Sean. He has a horse cock according to you. You’ve told me many times, and you’ll forget this conversation ever happened. It happens every day and night. Your daily schedule is predictable.”
“Ugh, be nice. Good night,” as I hang up on Steve, the sexy art director that manages the schlubs in the creative department and stays all night to complete my account projects.
- 11:10pm: Now home safe. Sean is watching SportsCenter. I tell him to go home to his place. I’d rather be alone, it was another productive work day. Sean says, “I’m too tired to drive. Are you up for some nigh-night sex? Seanny is horny!” I am always up for sex with Sean! We do it on the couch. I leave him there and go to my room to let him gather his senses. It was amazing.
- 11:13pm: Day over, nigh-night. Work repeats itself tomorrow!
Alyssa Sojahnowski
Account Executive Sales Professional and Human Resources Expert
