PRESS RELEASE: FEBRUARY 20, 2020
Lord Thomas Derby, esteemed CEO of DERBY | REYNOLDS—THE WAL-MART OF ADVERTISING™—is entering the 2020 Presidential Election Race. The Kenosha, Wisconsin, native and adopted $ON OF $CHAUMBURG—also known as an enemy to all scumbag politicians and business owners from the Rockford, Illinois, region—officially announced his candidacy for President of the United States of America. Lord Derby is running as an Independent. He is being endorsed by Red Lobster, Chili’s, Long John Silver’s, Culver’s, KFC, Olive Garden, and his parent company, DERBY | REYNOLDS.
Lord Derby gathered his staff to break the news over a free buffet of crazy bread and cold crazy dipping sauce brought in by the truckload from Little Caesars for his hungry team.
“GIT YO METAL PANTIES® ON, MTHRFKR$! LORD THOMAS DERBY, ME, THAT’S RIGHT, IS SETTING SAIL TO SHOW THESE HILLBILLY DEMOCRATS AND THAT FAT FILTHY RUSSIAN ASSET FROM THE GOP IN THE WHITE HOUSE A FEW LESSONS ABOUT TAKING THE $ OUT OF $CUMBAGS TO PUT BACK INTO THE YOU$A®™!”
Lord Derby is not debating, nor qualifies to buy and own any of the Republican and Democrat delegates who hand out nominations in exchange for cash and favors every few years. Derby says, “MTHRFKR$ GONNA PAY THE LORD DERBY WAY—THAT’S RIGHT—YOU$A®™!”
— Jenny Kowalski
Public Relations Director and Sean Lippy’s First Tuesday Nooner of the Month Club Member
Derby | Reynolds