Tag Archives: news

Orange Lives Matter at Derby Reynolds

Orange lives matter with Derby | Reynolds! That’s right!

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A Day in the Life of an Account Executive (AE) According to Alyssa Sojahnowski, Derby | Reynolds’ Sexiest AE

Account Executives (AEs) and Marketing Directors at Derby Reynolds — THE WAL-MART OF ADVERTISING™ must adhere to a strict daily schedule. Below is a daily list of events provided by our extremely attractive Jr. Sales Rep of Accounts and Executively Positive Behaviors, Alyssa Sojahnowski, to help anyone who is interested in becoming a successful AE […]

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We Must $ave the Village of Rockford in Illinois to Preserve the Economic Health of $chaumburg!

Dear LinkedIn community; or shall I address you here within as LIC? I write to you, LIC, with economic and logical concerns for the village of Rockford in Illinois, about fifty miles from my company’s headquarters in sunny Schaumburg of Illinois. Emotion and delusion is running rampant amongst the peasants and is spreading outwards towards […]

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PUTTING THE $ BACK INTO $CIENCE  |  Official Derby | Reynolds Leaf

Boosting Career Value Begins by Being the Carrot, Not a Rabbit

Jobs are no different than carrots. Like rabbits, we humans work through gravel, grass, sand, water and dirt to find the nicest carrot that fits our needs. Finding the best, healthiest, most nutritional carrot might be as easy as becoming the carrot–instead of always thinking you must be the rabbit. In fact, you should become […]

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Lord Derby Performs “The 12 Days of Working” Holiday Medley! FREE MP3

Our CEO and LORD of ALL, Lord Thomas Derby, recorded this version of the “12 Days of Christmas” last year for his podcast show, Songs about Stuff and Things.  (It was a part of the holiday episode which can be downloaded at iTunes’ store by clicking here.)  Our Lord Derby’s version of the holiday classic […]

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Mayor Larry's Office: 425 East State Street, Rockford, IL

Letter From Our Lord and CEO of All to Larry

January 12th, 2013 Dear Lawerence; or shall I address you here within as Larry? I have just read yours of the 29th. electronically addressed to myself through the world wide web of information. If there be in it any statements, or assumptions of fact, which I may know to be erroneous, I do not, now […]

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METAL PANTIES 101: Lord Thom Derby Introduces Metal Panties Rules

Today’s 4th annual third Quarterly meeting had every single Derby | Reynolds employee hi-fiving, hugging and making out with each other after Lord Derby’s speech.  The CEO AND LORD OF ALL HERE AT THE WAL-MART OF ADVERTISING™ was in high form, smiling and yelling.  BElow is a transcription of his speech to us: “That’s right. […]

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Thom's other Lamboguinea, used for sales raids in poor villages, photographed by Jeremy in Rockford, IL

Kowalski’s Corner | 3: Lamboguinea

OUR KEYWORD SEARCH RESULT WINNER(s) OF THE MONTH OF AUGUST: “lamboguinea” Congratulations to 41 people who apparently found our company’s website in Google using that keyword.  We believe you were able to locate our site because our CEO and LORD OF ALL, Thomas Derby, has been seen driving his new, custom orange, Lamboguinea through poor […]

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Drunk ladies from poor villages like Rockford, IL on Derby | Reynolds godfishie eaten' benders.

Lippy’s Lessons | 18: My Favorite Word is BENDER and Labor Day is some Bowl Sheet, Y’all!

Y’all wondering if Sean Lippy be dead these days?  Guess what, nope.  My mother f**king ass has been working– unlike most of y’all.  I work for the greatest company of all, Derby | Reynolds.  We don’t take bullish!t public sector holidays off like “Labor Day”.  Hail naw, that’s some bowl sh!t.  Most of those mother […]

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Thom Derby, caught driving in Milwaukee, WI, in his younger days before his first million. Photograph submission by Justin P.

Lord Thomas Derby’s Cars, Photographed by Fans of The United States of Derby | Reynolds™

Fans of the United States of Derby | Reynolds™ have caught our CEO and LORD of all, Thom Derby, driving many vintage and collectible cars over the years.  Below are a few photos of Thom’s cars that our soldiers have sent us.  If you see Thom or one of our sales raid members driving through […]

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