JULY Newsletter from Our Company Presidents


Dear workforce,

June was an unbelievable month for DERBY | REYNOLDS. We tried to save a very poor region in Illinois called Rockford but had to retreat due to labor threats made by competing ad firm owners and churches acting as ad firms.  They must’ve not read the book (in college) about marketing competition- it’s an act of capitalism.  This is a democratic society that is suffering due to capitalist elitism.

Our sales team has experienced great success in other poor regions like Newark, NJ and St. Louis- but Rockford, IL? You are not ready to be $aved by Derby | Reynolds. We will be back, Rockford, you are so poor we can not ignore you; and you are helpless because no one is willing to fight the war on local political tyrants and business czars. WE ARE THE UNITED $TATES OF DERBY | REYNOLDS™!
Onward, march into August!


Thomas Derby
Email: [email protected]


Dear D. | R. Diehards,

First I’d like to congratulate Jeff (Tethernick) in Accounting for winning the Cayman Islands T-Shirt!  One of these years my brother Reginald is going to take it from you!

Moving on, what an incredible month! We turned our “Pick a Poor Place” marketing campaign’s sales into a company vacation! Who knew Alyssa (Sohjahnowski) in H.R. had an amazing body! Alyssa, you are threatening to take our top sales job aren’t you? WOW is all I have to say!

Big company news, we lost an incredible rep in the northern IL region due to naughty threats by a competing ad firm man.  No worries because we ended up hiring, NOT 1, BUT 2 more agents to replace him!  The interest expressed by those wanting to work for THE WAL-MART OF ADVERTISING™ has been incredible.  Keep up the hard work everyone- not just for yourself, for CAPITALISM AND PROSPERITY WE WILL WIN!

The U$A™ needs us and I have to agree with my business partner, Thom, ONWARD, MARCH INTO AUGUST! And just like Thom likes to say, “I HOPE YOU HAVE YOUR METAL PANTIES ON, GIT READY! U$A!”

Yours in life and death,

William Reynolds
Email: [email protected]

Tags: , , , , , ,

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.