METAL PANTIES 101: Lord Thom Derby Introduces Metal Panties Rules

Today’s 4th annual third Quarterly meeting had every single Derby | Reynolds employee hi-fiving, hugging and making out with each other after Lord Derby’s speech.  The CEO AND LORD OF ALL HERE AT THE WAL-MART OF ADVERTISING™ was in high form, smiling and yelling.  BElow is a transcription of his speech to us:

“That’s right. Let’s start today’s 4th annual third Quarterly meeting with a motto I shared with the special man who made our website’s welcome page:  Make it orange, make it bounce, and make it simple enough for white people of conservative wealth & power to stare at for hours seeking deeper meanings. For there are no deeper meanings, just time and monies, of their’s of course, to waste.  

They are the target audience and I want to drive them mad.  Does everyone in this hear orange alert room hear me?  Yes? Good. Now then. How do we here at THE WAL-MART OF ADVERTISING want the scumbags to react?

I want them to walk into bars, fake churches, and restaurants like the Heart Lands and Octanes in poor villages like Rockford, IL, yelling my name and cursing our company’s existence at innocent people– just like what happened in June on 2011 to our friend, Mr. Vaughn. WHO IS THOMAS DERBY?!  HOW DO I CONTACT BILL REYNOLDS?! they have screamed.  I want white wealthier, fortunate individuals running fake churches to call up innocent people like Mr. Youngblood for interrogation, whispering, “Do you know who Thom Derby is?“.

PEASANTS RISE! PREPARE! GIT YO METAL PANTIES ON, NOW.

I need everyone to know now, and yesterday, and tomorrow, to wear their metal panties. I need every shady white man running ad firms or city government organizations, school districts, to understand why. I want them to stare at themselves for hours when they meet me, LORD THOMAS DERBY. I want them to swell up with tears watching our company’s home page dance around their once-proud-and-now-sweating foreheads. I want them to stand and bend before me, 90°, knees straight, foreheads facing the pavement, crying with metal panties on, and chanting:

I pledge allegiance to the almighty orange flag with a white dot of Derby | Reynolds, and to the YOU$A™ for which I stand, one nation indivisible, with liberty, speedboats, & metal panties for all.

THAS RIGHT, IMA TALKIN TO YOU, SCUMBAGS IN BERGNER’S SUITS. GIT YO METAL PANTIES ON AND BOW DOWN TO YOUR NEW LORD AFTER YOU HONOR THY FLAG, THE ORANGE ONE WITH A WHITE DOT.

Let us now pause to enjoy a song about METAL PANTIES that was written by a delicious fan of our company.  It is not a song of comfort, but of warning to all those who do not prepare their metal panties in a timely fashion. They will know they haven’t prepared in time when they spot my orange lamboguinea driving through they’re poor villages on sales raids.  They will know chafing quite well- ONWARD, YOU$A™!¡”

– Thomas Derby, CEO & LORD OF ALL

Contact Lord Derby if you’d like to waste more of His time:  thom@derbyreynolds.com.  If anyone would like to contact me with questions about how you can obtain your metal panties, please do such below. Also, enjoy the amazing, intardenet sensation, Stephanie K. below, singing, “Metal Panties”. Keep America stupid or guessing, y’all!

YOU$A™!¡

Jennifer Kowalski
Marketing Research Director
e: jkowalski@derbyreynolds.com
DERBY | REYNOLDS

ABOVE: Derby | Reynolds fan, Stephanie K, sends a beautiful warning in a song that she wrote for anyone who won’t heed instructions to wear METAL PANTIES  from our leader, Thomas Derby (CEO AND LORD OF ALL).

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  1. City Council Approves Metal Panties® Vote –  Effective Feb. 1st, 2015 for all area Advertising, Marketing and Public Relations Business Owners | RKFDNews.com - January 24, 2015

    […] County’s Advertising, Marketing and Public Relations business owners are now required to wear Metal Panties®, effective February 1st, […]

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