Dear LinkedIn community; or shall I address you here within as LIC?
I write to you, LIC, with economic and logical concerns for the village of Rockford in Illinois, about fifty miles from my company’s headquarters in sunny Schaumburg of Illinois. Emotion and delusion is running rampant amongst the peasants and is spreading outwards towards healthier, affluent communities that can’t afford to be poisoned by the thoughts of lesser men and women!
While sipping on a latte at the local $tarbucks this morning with Sean Lippy, my company’s I.T. Admin, he asked me, “What are we going to do about the village of the Rockford? We must abolish their poverty, my Lord! Their intellect, or lack of, is infecting the entire region and spreading towards thou great economic stabilizer, Woodfield Mall!”
I agreed with Sean and offered him comfort. It is with great courage and wealth that I offer the same to you now with regards to how we can save the Rockford of Illinois.
- I would save the CherryVale Mall and spare the Colonial Village but I would sacrifice the roofs of false beliefs in exchange for the health of Buffalo Wild Wings and The Olympic Tavern.
- Pizzas from Capri Restaurant will supplement and nourish the mouths of all who follow thy Lord Derby’s sales raid teams into the Forest City against their will.
- I’ve concocted a village plan with our company’s Xerox machine and a bottle of whiteout, see below.
- I would save the Rockford peasants with the shortest way under my official company documents titled “Lord Thomas Derby’s Constitution”.
I will ask the peasants of Rockford many questions shall they not agree with our company’s constitution:
- Are you aware of the implications that could arise shall you not trust in the YOU$A™? The sooner the Forest City’s authority can be restored; the nearer the YOU$A™ will be “the YOU$A™ as it was.”
- If there be those who would not save the YOU$A™, unless they could at the same time save the poor and oppressed villagers of the Forest City, I do not agree with them.
- If there be those who would not save the YOU$A™ unless they could at the same time destroy the Forest City, I do not agree with them.
- My paramount object in this struggle is to save the YOU$A™, and is not either to save or to burn the Forest City down to ashes and fire.
- If I could save the YOU$A™ without freeing any Forest City dweller or as I’ve written, “peasant”, I would do it, and if I could save it by freeing all the peasants I would do it; and if I could save it by freeing some and leaving others alone I would also do that.
- What I do about peasantry, and the minions, I do because I believe it helps to save the YOU$A™; and what I forbear, I forbear because I do not believe it would help to save the YOU$A™.
- I shall do less whenever I shall believe what I am doing hurts the cause, and I shall do more whenever I shall believe doing more will help the cause. I shall try to correct errors when shown to be errors; and I shall adopt new views so fast as they shall appear to be true views.
I have here stated my purpose according to my view of official duty to $ave the village of Rockford in Illinois; and I intend no modification of my oft-expressed personal wish that all men and women every where could be free to rise and wear their metal panties in celebration. All men and women, with or without child, shall be deemed worthy of a free pony and three pairs of metal panties once the restoration of the YOU$A™ is complete in the Rockford of Illinois.
For I am Lord Thomas Derby and you are not.
Lord Thomas Derby
CEO and LORD of ALL
Derby | Reynolds – THE WAL-MART OF ADVERTISING