Trouble On The Homefront: Bill & Thom, Our Founding Fathers, Disagree & Wrestle Each Other

Derby | Reynolds’ Founding Fathers (Company Partners), Thomas Derby & William Reynolds, Punched Each Other Last Night After Arguing About Sean Lippy’s Language On the Internets.

L>R: Thomas Derby and William Reynolds first met at Leo Burnett,1982, Chicago. The ties reveal the origin of the Derby | Reynolds logo. NOTE: This is a historical reproduction of what Thom and Bill looked like, this is not the actual photo. Our creative department worked hard with Ben Affleck and Tommy Lee Jones to reproduce our fearless founders. Thom and Bill chose Tom and Ben as their stand-in models.

P.R. Release: 07.28.2011

Breaking news here at the company home front.  Thom Derby & Bill Reynolds had a heated argument last night regarding our I.T. Administrator’s language here on the internets. Otherwise known as  “Lippy’s Lessons”, Bill wants Sean Lippy fired for promoting racist views towards stereotypical white a$$ed people who work in advertising and marketing.

Thom disagreed vehemently and Bill shot back, “He’s putting the wrong face on our business, Thom.  He’s not the business and he’s speaking for it, on behalf of Derby | Reynolds. He needs to go.  I’ve sided with you left and right over many company policies I disagree with- but Sean’s views regarding white I.T. guys who sleep all day to wake up and eat Cheetohs, is the last straw here. It’s not fare and he’s riling up the peasants”  Thom was not having it and quickly argued, quoting a passage from the Derby | Reynolds Company Creed both he & Bill legally composed in 2008:

“Listen here Bill, in 2008 we composed the Company Creed and it clearly states: We will ridicule stereotypical white ad firm owners; especially those with speed boats, goatees, and leased audis. This includes I.T. specialists working in advertising and marketing who are very lazy, wake up to eat cheetohs or smoke weed, often forgetting deadlines and the art of making money. This also includes whores of the male and female variety who work their way up the company ladder by drinking and/or sucking for a contracted commitment.  This also includes very hot weather women who obviously know nothing about marketing anything other than their hooker boots; and equally, news anchor-looking men who tan for a project sale.  This industry behavior will be condemned by company law. We here by withhold the rights to not hire people like this who have–according to this, the Derby | Reynolds Company Creed, written by Thomas Derby & William Reynolds in the heart of a recession in 2008–ruined the industry.”

Sean Lippy, I.T. Administrator

Verbal lashing between the 2 partners continued. Thom may have had the last word before the two company men wrestled each other to the floor in a Roman pose.  Thom said, “Maybe you’re the racist, Bill!  I think this is about you and LaVonne hating on Sean all the time. You’ve been trying to get rid of him for quite awhile, you just don’t like him and LaVonne has been out for his head since day 1.  I think it’s you two that need to wear the METAL PANTIES, BILL. have you even studied the web site’s analytics? Lippy’s Lessons is a huge hit! Not you, not me, Sean M@THER F%CKING LIPPY IS WHAT THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES OF DERBY | REYNOLDS WANTS.

Mr. Reynolds stood his ground offering, “How dare you, Thom! Have you even read the naughty things he’s been saying? Have you?! LaVonne told me he’s using words like “fenda” and “bidnizz”, those are words that gangs in Northern Illinois use! Come on, Thom! We do not need Sean Lippy encouraging gang wars nor do we need him representing our company to the degree we are caught in a cross fire between angry and greedy white advertising men or lazy, hungry I.T. guys on Cheetoh benders! WE DO NOT NEED CROSSFIRES ON SEAN LIPPY’S BEHALF, NOT NOW, NOT EVER, HE HAS TO GO.”

LaVonne Hayes, P.R. Director

“This is war, Bill. Sean Lippy stays. METAL PANTIES, ON.” Thom shot back at Bill and the two great founding fathers proceeded to wrestle each other to the ground.

The wrestling was broken up by Jeff Tethernick in Accounting who was at the office late crunching numbers on regional freelancers.  According to Jeff, “I didn’t know what to do at first… I respect both men. They employed when no one else would, so, I can’t offer you who won, or who lost.  I think we all lost today because I need both of them leading me towards the $ in the YOU$A.”

The last words between Thom and Bill, to paraphrase Jeff were:
“Lippy’s out or I’m out. Metal Pantie your ass to that, Thom.” – William Reynolds
“We’ll see who takes the $ out of your YOU$A. Company Creed, Bitch, read it, learn it– you wrote it Bill, read it to LaVonne too. If anyone goes it’s her with you. Lippy stays.”  – Thomas Derby

As of the lunch hour, no news to report, and the company is in tact– for now.

Jennifer Kowalski
Marketing Research Director
DERBY | REYNOLDS
E: jkowalski@derbyreynolds.com

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.