P.R. RELEASE 07-26-2011
Hello everyone, it’s me again, LaVonne Hayes, Director of Public Relations here at heaven on earth, DERBY | REYNOLDS. Some of our Northern Illinois Regional Reps have been the recipients of negative comments of late, one was threatened (click here to read more about that incident), and another consumer from that poor region left a few questions on one of our previous posts without reading further into the site to find answers to his own comments.
Let’s review a few comments from Illinois-area peasants named Kathleen and Zach:
> From: Kathleen D___________ @email@example.com>
> Date: July 21, 2011 1:35:25 PM CDT
> To: Sean Lippy <firstname.lastname@example.org>
> Subject: Re: Either you don’t like me because I’m a black IT guy or you or a DERBY | REYNOLDS RACIST.
> For the record, I am not a Derby | Reynolds Racist. I simply think negativity breeds more negativity. And I hate walmart. CMON!!!
Zach S #
I’m finding it hard to take you guys seriously. You all seem incredibly practiced at writing diatribes and personally attacking your “competitors,” but I’m not seeing much from the “actions speak louder than words” department. Where’s your portfolio? Have you won any awards for your work? Do your employees all act and write like Lippy, and if so, can I really trust you to do any copywriting for my businesses? Your PR people refer to advertising executives as greedy motherfuckers? Have you seen them porking the women who gave birth to them?
Also, great idea, attacking the cities that businesses have chosen to make their homes in. Pick a poor place? Sounds more like “pick a poor marketing scheme that insults our potential customers” to me! I know that I, for one, would not send you business and would not work for you as a consultant. Honestly, at your bargain-basement prices, you probably couldn’t afford me, and I probably couldn’t trust you to deliver quality work.
Thank you to both of you for taking the time to address your feelings with our company. On behalf of our great leaders, Thom and William, I’m going to publicly explain, answer your concerns with color codes to ease your levels of understanding DERBY | REYNOLDS because we decided at a board meeting that many people in poor regions such as yours we assumed, are racists. Both of you are DERBY | REYNOLDS RACISTS- but I am here to help you!
Let’s begin and end this release with color codes set to their questions or comments, in order, and then my replies below set to the matching color! Ok? Ok. Here we go, racists!
Yes, you are a Derby | Reynolds Racist; or you prefer spending more for less. Either way, our board decided you are, you lost pretty good on hand counts.
What you think and what you feel are connected. So if you are feeling negative, than you think you are. We’re sorry for your emotional state. There are doctors for this sort of thing- Don’t worry, Kathleen- it’ll get better!
Sounds like you are a Walmart Racist too, or again, you don’t like saving money. No wonder the USA is all messed up! Also, notice how we use a hypen when we say we are “The Wal-Mart of advertising”? Are you a Hypen Racist too? Ask yourself that.
Thank you, we are beyond skilled at diatribes because our entire employee base came from the competition- where they learned how to! Thank you for noticing! Why did you use quotes for “competition”?
Right here, under locks and keys. You have a lot to learn about privacy, and the privacy of your clients. Our clientele speaks highly of the work, experienced we’ll add, of those we contract accounts to. You get to see our work once you provide us the “COMPETITORS” (like my quotes and caps?) estimates for consideration on our everyday deal.
We don’t work for awards, we work for money, and putting it back into our work force before a penny touches DERBY | REYNOLDS. PUT THE $ BACK INTO YOU$A!…. Wow, you must be from a very poor city! AWARDS! LOL.
No, Zach, not all of our employees act and write like Sean. He is the exception because he is our IT guy, and we like to keep him happy. How many happy IT guys have you met? oh, you’ve met many? Were they high? Sean doesn’t smoke weed like many lazy IT guys do, he writes from his heart; and so does our entire employee base except for the co-founder, William Reynolds. He writes backwards and that takes quite awhile to decipher.
Why would we want to work for you, do you not understand our company? WE don’t work for anyone- you work for us. If you provide us an estimate from another regional ad firm of our choice, we will take their cost, chop it in half, contract you as a client, then, contract the perfect qualified freelance candidate from that region to do the work without having to accommodate our in-house team’s clock. We have reps everywhere- everyone gets paid before us on a project. How do we know we can’t lose? We have the numbers, and we have experienced the numbers up close to know what’s fair, and what’s not, for the highest quality of labor.
No, Zach. That’s gross. As an older woman without child, I’ll say too, you are a pig.
Thanks! We pick our regions based on bad math skills and poor places are the best places to take businesses away from czar like businesses. There’s a reason those towns, and people, are poor- those businesses. Thank you for noticing!
Opinion is best left to the eye of the beholder. Our marketing scheme is developed to reflect America as we all know it- so Zach, look in the mirror: Are you fat? Do you like speedboats? We’re sorry you care to spend more, that’s what it sounds like. We will pray for you to save money somehow.
Sounds like your businesses will find us anyway if they’re dealing with your ego and racist attitude towards Derby | Reynolds.
You are really into yourself- why would we ever hire someone like you to be a consultant?! WE ARE A COMPANY LOADED WITH CONSULTANTS. You are really fullof yourself, you need help and soon!
You are right in one regard, we can’t afford you in the unhealthy, racist state of being that you are living and working in right now. But please contact us when you are serious about saving money for yourself, and your city’s well-being.
You are a man of many conflicts, and trust issues. Please see a doctor ASAP. Consult with Kathleen too, she needs one- and quick!
The time of the night you wrote us should be investigated. If you’re drinking too much at night, DERBY | REYNOLDS is not responsible for your comments or concerns.
Here’s hoping the color coded responses were easy enough for both of you, and everyone else, to understand.
I really do hope Zach and Kathleen see a doctor soon before all of us who like to save money put the $ back into YOU$A! We wouldn’t want them to get more depressed, we will pray for you too. Praying in business, for capitalist ventures is OK now! Thank God to George Jr.!
Regards and feel better soon guys,
Director of Public Relations
DERBY | REYNOLDS